Wise Women Warrior Dance of Mothers

Saturday, February 13, 2010

First step to Being WISE about what you want?

So here we are, I have spoken about our shared mission as a woman, wife, mother. And I have shared some stories on courageous women fighters in Asia.

So how does it make us wiser? Are we wiser because God has given us women the special gift and ability to reproduce. And that we somehow have this natural instinct when we are born to feel that for us to be valued, to be simply what we are, feminine, beautiful and desired women - we must reproduce? Or is it just having babies is just what we do best?

We play with dolls, we go to school, and then to the university, we find a job, we meet a boyfriend, we get promoted, our ambitions stir, we fall in love, we get engaged, we run around doing everything for everyone, we organize parties, we fight for a cause, we pay our bills and debts, get a better job, we get married, we survive Raya with the in-laws,.... and then we have a baby. Is it because this is just what we do. Should it be, that the next obvious part of life is to have a baby? No, I don't think so. It should not be the 'done thing', it should not be that is what is expected of us. Or that "I am not getting any younger, and my parents wants a grandchild" or that "We need children to look after us as we age, and grow older", " a child will provide us companionship and care so that we are not alone in our old age", or " having a child will save our relationship, he/she will love me again and in fact he/she will love me even more and having a baby will solve all our problems." All the above are the very wrong reasons for wanting to have children.
Woman, having children is just what we do, right? Wrong!!! It is definitely the wrong reason to begin making a family.So be WISE, do not do so without giving it a thought. If you want a baby, it is because you and your husband are ready to share the love they have for each other - with a child they create through God's lovey,... because the baby is conceived out of love and passion that you have for each other, because you are both ready to nurture and raise a child and be a committed parent unconditionally. Child raising is a vocation, or divine calling, that God/Allah/ The Al-Mighty has created in each of us , the gift and talent oriented towards this specific purpose and way of life. Parenting is a vocation just like an occupation where we must be specially suited, trained or qualified to guide and raise our children to the best of our ability for the sake of the greater common good. WOW! Big words, but this is exactly what I am speaking about,.... be WISE. Wise enough to say STOP and THINK,... Woman, Do you really want a baby?

It is important that we understand the question. Think very hard and discuss with your husband about whether children will be a part of your marriage. Ideally you should have had a preliminary talk about this before the wedding,... seriously, and not wait for it to be ... "oh i thougth that you and I share the same opinion about this,..that it is the next step in our lives, and oops, it was an accident". No no no! It must be a discussion and conducted as formally as a discussion at work. Nothing doing that conceiving is God's gift. You have the right to say no. No, if one partner is unsure and not ready. And to always remember that there are a few absolutes,... and we have to accept it as a fact, in life and people - we do change our minds, views and ideas. Without a doubt, so talking is the most important thing that a couple should do again and again. And if you seek me for advice, don't just talk, but dance with your partner or do a role play in drama. Take out your used toys, child toys or even dolls and puppet. Be silly and improvise a scenario about being a family and having kids. Then later on paper, write the outcome. For those who draw, draw out a storyboard, others write without stopping - how doyou feel about childbirth, parenting and starting a family. And the most important thing to remember is that this is a decision between the two of you. Your parents, friends and other relatives have no say in whether you should get pregnant. You need to listen to your heart and your spouse, and no one else and do not succumb to " bila nak dapat anak?". Make a decision that works for both of you because deciding to become a parent is a huge decision as you'll be committing to a lifetime of work. Most importantly,... who will be the one having the responsibility to serve your lifetime to this vocation. Can you accept that? If you are leaving childraising to a third party such as a Nanny and babysitter to care for your child, which includes, diaper changing, food prepartion and having sleepless nights of caring for the crying child in sickness and in health, spritually guiding the child, be there to catch them when they fall, be there to transport them to places between work and out to buy groceries, potty train them, and as they grow up, follow up in their development, their needs and problems, teach them to be independent and disciplined, be firm and strict when you have to be, say no and take up the fights when there is a conflict, speak the truth and not hide away from responsibility of confronting with the child' issues and true needs, physically involved in their health and mental wellness, and more and more. And of course including but definitely not only participating in spending time with the child by just watch tv, talk baby talks about cartoon characters and playing video games, and read a book at night, and go to the arcade and movie. What about teaching them or sharing and doing household chores with them, over see their social interaction with friends and family .............. and more and more. Some parents, just prefer to leaveall this to the maids or those who looks after their kids, while thye are busy at work. That is not parenting, to my opinion, it seems like a relationship where it is more about the parent needing the child to play with at home rather than the child is the one in need for attention, care and love.
So moving on.

What to Consider

As a couple, you should consider your feelings about children, time management skills, your finances, and your goals for the future. Ask yourself whether you like kids, whether getting pregnant would disrupt your careers and how that would make you feel, and whether you could afford a child. (Kids can be pretty expensive, even in the early years.) Are you emotionally, physically, and financially prepared to bring a baby into the world?

Another important question to ask is whether your marriage is strong enough for pregnancy and child rearing. Sometimes, couples think that a baby will solve all their problems. In reality, a baby adds stress to the relationship. A baby needs your constant care and attention, and he or she will get in the way of alone time for the couple. There will be fun and satisfying moments – when baby says his first word or falls asleep with your finger in his hand. But there will also be moments of panic – when he won't stop crying no matter what you do or when he gets his first fever. And what about a special need child or disable,... are you ready?

Determine Whether You're Ready for Baby

Your marriage must have a strong foundation before you bring another life into this world or you won't be able to handle the inevitable stress that comes with being parents. In other words, if you find yourselves bickering all the time, having a difficult time adjusting to living together, or feeling lonely or unloved, you should work on your marriage first. Once you have resolved the issues creeping up on the two of you, then you can start to think about parenthood.

Keep Up the Communication

Those who are ready to take the plunge have more decisions to make. When is the right time to try and conceive? Again, you must talk it out. The woman, who will be the one getting pregnant, must consider her career and if she minds taking the time off that will be required during the pregnancy and right after delivery. Whether we like to admit it or not, having kids requires some sacrifice on the part of women when it comes to their careers. You have to decide if the time is right for you. These days, even fathers are taking paternity leave; therefore, he should also think about whether he can take the time necessary to start a family.

Other things to consider are your ages, which affect fertility and the level of energy you might have for raising kids, and the woman’s health and body. Is her body healthy enough to try conceiving and to carry a pregnancy to term? These are things you should discuss as a couple with your doctor.

Consider All the Possibilities

Parenting means being prepared for anything. You should discuss with one another what you’ll do if you end up carrying twins, being unable to conceive, having a difficult pregnancy, etc. You need to talk and listen, listen and talk. The pressure from family and friends can not get to you. In the end, the two of you have to live with your decisions. In the nicest possible way, tell everyone to essentially buzz off and leave the two of you to decide for yourselves whether children should enter your relationship.

So BE WISE. DANCE and PLAY OUT your roles,... and then discuss. Is this what you really want?

No comments:

Post a Comment